


i will find a way to you

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 16:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11294391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In typical fashion of their friendship, Jared is the first one to break the silence.





	i will find a way to you

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to my girl @/dead_girl_walkiing for beta reading!!
> 
> title is from 'if it kills me' by jason mraz

The final bell of the school day rings, and Evan is pretty sure his heart is going to beat out of his chest.

Which is stupid, right? It's not like anything bad is going to happen. He’s just going to approach Jared, like normal, tell him hi, like normal, and confess his overwhelming attraction to him.

(Now that's where things start to get tricky).

Evan knows that he should've done this sort of thing earlier rather than keep his feelings pent up for so long. Like his therapist always tells him, if you keep your feelings bottled up for too long, that bottle will eventually explode. (Though Evan wonders if that advice is as valid in the situation of having a crush on his male, probably-straight childhood friend as it is in therapy.)

He tucks his hands in his pockets and walks towards the front of the school, his head down. It's become a bit harder to avoid awkward conversations with his classmates since the Connor Project. There's always people coming up to him to offer their condolences, or comment on how nice the memorial orchard is looking, or befriend him in hopes of cashing in on his five minutes of fame. Evan tries not to be annoyed by them (and really, what right does he have to be so, with everything he's done), but it gets hard sometimes. 

Luckily, on this particular day, people seem to be avoiding him. Maybe it's the universe giving him the go-ahead on his confessional plans, maybe it's just the grogginess of one of the last Mondays before finals week. Either way, Evan is glad to brush past the crowds of students and into the school parking lot, where Jared is getting into his car.

Evan stands there for a few seconds in silence, unable to think with the sound of his quickening heartbeat pulsing through his brain. _Should I say it now? What do I even say? I had something prepared to say, I know I did - shit, that's creepy, isn't it? Why would I have something prepared to say? Whatever, this is pointless, I should probably just go anyway -_

"Jesus Christ, Evan, I didn't even see you standing there. You're like a goddamn cat," Jared says suddenly, breaking Evan's train of thought. Evan tries to force out a laugh, but it comes out as a half-hearted cough. He takes a step back, balancing himself. They stand there in silence for a few seconds, before Jared sighs. "So...do you plan on doing the whole ‘standing there awkwardly and not talking’ thing all day, or -"

“N-no!” Evan blurts out awkwardly, (before realizing that yes, that’s exactly what he had planned on doing, fuck). “Actually, I was just thinking th - that - uh - well, I was wondering i - if you -”

“Okay, can you please stop it with the stuttering for five minutes? I don’t have all day to wait for you to get out one sentence.”

“ - I was wondering if you could d-drive me home?”

Evan cringes a bit internally (because _shit, no, that’s not what he wanted to ask_ ). But then Jared’s saying, “Just because I’m the only one of us who actually knows how to drive doesn’t mean I can be your personal chauffeur all the time,” and then he’s saying, “Okay, fine, but just this once. And stop looking at me with those stupid sad puppy dog eyes,” and then they’re in the car together and Jared is rambling about something that happened in his A.P. History class and Evan’s heartbeat hasn’t gotten any slower.

He takes a deep breath and tries to recollect himself. Now’s as good of a time as ever to tell him, he decides to himself. ( _But is it really a good idea to tell him in here? In - in a car? No, yeah, cars are romantic, right? In movies people always have kissing scenes in cars, like...like...shit I can’t think of any -_ ).

The car takes a sharp turn to the right, (Jared’s never been a good driver. _Maybe that’s why it’s always been so important for him to get his car insurance paid off_ , Evan realizes) and Evan jumps a little bit, letting out a shaky breath. Jared reaches out and touches him softly on the arm, steadying him. ( _And has Jared’s touch always been that soft? And warm?_ )

Evan gulps and tries to return to his train of thought. _Yeah, car rides are romantic, I should tell him in the car, he thinks. But - but what if he says no? Because then I can’t just walk away, because we’re in a car, and the rest of the ride home will be super awkward - or - or, what if he kicks me out of the car? And then I would have to walk home, and - I think that it’s supposed to rain today, so I might end up having to walk all the way home in the rain...Or, what if when I tell him, it catches him so off-guard that he, like, swerves the car off the road, and we hit a tree or something, and -_

“Evan? Did you hear me?”

Evan’s train of thought is screeched to a halt for the second time that afternoon. He realizes, suddenly, that the car has screeched to a halt as well - right in front of his house. 

(Shit, had he really spent that entire car ride _thinking about_ confessing his feelings to Jared instead of _actually_ confessing his feelings to Jared?)

Evan runs a hand through his hair anxiously. It’s not like he’s surprised at himself for overthinking away the entirety of the five-minute long commute (he would’ve been more surprised at himself for doing anything else, to be honest). But still, he’s disappointed in himself. Because now he’ll have to spend another night at home, alone, still not being honest about his feelings to Jared (or himself, completely, for that matter). And with the end of senior year on the horizon, Evan thinks that he might never get the chance to be honest.

“N - no, sorry, uh - what did you say?”

“I said get out of my car, asshole.”

Evan sighs. “Right.” He opens the door and starts getting out of the car, leaving behind what might be one of the only chances he has of confessing his feelings before it’s too late, one of the only chances he has of being honest about something for once…

And then, out of a sudden burst of courage, or love, or stupidity - he gets back in the car and closes the door.

“Jared, listen - I - I need to tell you something.”

Jared shrugs. “Okay, tell me.”

And at that moment, staring into Jared’s eyes, Evan realizes that he has nothing prepared to say at this point.

(Because, to be completely honest, he hadn’t thought that he would make it this far into the confession in the first place.)

““I...uh….y-you’re... you’re…” Evan chokes out, trying to recall the dozens of times he’d daydreamed about this exact scenario before.

“I’m - I’m - what?” Jared replies mockingly. Evan sighs, wondering for a second why he had to have feelings for this asshole, of all people.

“I think, uh, y- you look, uh - you’re really, really…”

( _Shit_ , Evan thinks to himself. _I have to say something now, because if I don’t say something now then I - then I never will. And, yeah, maybe he’ll tease me about it, or - or get angry or something, but at least it’ll be out in the open and - and, I don’t know, something will happen, but it needs to happen now, and -_ )

“Listen, do you need me to call a goddamn ambulance or something, because -”

“I think you’re really pretty!”

(Shit.)

Jared raises his eyebrows and inhales sharply. Evan stares out the window of the car, Jared’s unwavering glare burning into him, and prays that his face isn’t getting as red as it feels like it’s getting. 

( _Shit._ )

In typical fashion of their friendship, Jared is the first one to break the silence. 

“I’m...pretty?” Evan shrugs and nods halfheartedly, eliciting a laugh from Jared. “Well, I think you fucked that up about as badly as you could’ve.”

“Y-yeah...yeah- you’re right, I should go -”

“No, shit, wait -” Jared reaches out to Evan as Evan reaches for the door handle, and for a second, Evan swears he can feel his heart stop. 

And they just sit like that, for a few moments; Jared's hand softly gripping Evan's arm, Evan trying to steady his breathing. Evan’s eyes are open wide as the two stare at each other in silence.

Evan's eyes are still open when Jared closes the gap between them, pressing his lips against Evan's. Evan sees the way Jared's eyelashes flutter closed beneath the thick frames of his glasses, sees how his hand trembles a bit as he raises it to touch Evan's cheek.

Jared's mouth is warm against his; softer than Evan would've thought. 

And the kiss is sloppy, and neither of them are sure how much tongue to use, and it's exactly what you'd expect from two inexperienced teenage boys, but it's inviting. It's inviting, and it's slow, and it's _good_. For the first time in ages, Evan genuinely feels _good_.

So they keep kissing.

And they keep kissing, and they keep kissing, and they keep kissing until there's not even the smallest bit of air left in their lungs (and Evan feels like he's swallowing stars).

When they break apart, their faces are still inches apart. Evan inhales sharply, feeling the warmth of Jared's warm, shaky breaths against his face. 

They share a few seconds of that solemnity, breathing in sync like they're the only two people in the world, before they both remember that _oh shit, they're in a car, outside, in broad daylight_.

Jared leans away from Evan, clearing his throat and pushing his glasses against the bridge of his nose unceremoniously. Evan follows suit, sitting up straight and looking out the window and trying to appear unaffected ( _trying_ being the key word here, as it's impossible to seem unaffected when you're breathing in gasps and barely choking back a nervous smile).

Jared is better at pulling off the careless vibe; he's been practicing it for years. Still, Evan swears he can see him blushing in the sunlight that pours in through the car window.

"If you ever tell anyone about that," Jared finally chokes out. "I will kick your ass."

Evan looks down. _Did that mean nothing? Is he just going to go back to making fun of me all the time? Are we -_

Before he can finish that thought, Jared leans over quickly and gives him a quick peck on the lips. It's not as enthralling or intoxicating as the first kiss, but it's still warm, and Evan can still taste Jared's breath in his mouth after they break apart. 

"Oh," Evan says after a few more moments of silence. Jared laughs - a throaty, genuine laugh that he hasn’t heard in years and makes Evan's heart skip a beat. Jared sighs.

"Well," Jared says. "You should probably head in, I'm sure your mom is gonna be done with one of her shifts soon, so -"

"N - no, yeah, definitely," Evan murmurs, a smile creeping its way onto his face. He opens the door. “See you, Jared.”

Walking away from the car, Evan can still feel the warmth of the kiss burn in his lungs, the taste of Jared’s mouth against his. 

And he still feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest, but it's for a good reason now.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! kudos and comments are always appreciated, and you can chat with me at parory.tumblr.com!


End file.
